Monday, October 29, 2012

Will The Real David Stern Please Stand Up

February 1, 1984, the telephone at my office and my home in Seattle rang off the hook.  The radio stations announced that morning David Stern had been chosen as the new Commissioner of the NBA.  As of that date I had been associated with the Seattle Supersonics for 16 years as owner of the team's ad agency.  So, it wasn't all that absurd for people to assume I was the new top dog. At the time, I wrote the new commissioner, thanking him for all the notoriety. 
For the record, my name has been David Stern for five years and 113 days longer than the actual NBA guy. 
A few years later when I moved to Scottsdale, new friends asked me to use my name to reserve tee times and restaurant seating.  I declined, but one guy was insistent.  "You mean you can't drop your own name?"
After Robert Horry of the San Antonio Spurs flagrantly fouled Phoenix Sun Steve Nash during the 2007 Championship Playoffs, that David Stern suspended Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw for jumping off the bench (even though the Suns coaching staff prevented them from stomping Horry into the boards).
This David Stern got calls wanting to know if I'd like to keep Jimmy Hoffa company, and others with rage-filled (although not especially creative) expletives.  Suns loyalist that I had become, I considered calling that David Stern and offering to occupy his seats for him for the 5th game of the playoffs in Phoenix.
Since the NBA commissioner announced his impending retirement I have been inundated with a variety of unsolicited offers;  retirement community living, management positions within the AARP sports league, free samples from Centrum Silver, Depends and Poligrip, a two-for-one discount offer from Krazy Karl's Katarakt Kutterz (Rove really has too much time on his hands these days), and ominously, a chance to win Free Cremation Services from the Neptune Society.
I've been forwarding everything to NBA headquarters because my boss, Mean Eileen, says I don't qualify for pension benefits until 2024 (coincidentally the same year those Free Cremation Services kick in).

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