Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Trick or Treat?

I had no intention of writing anything about Halloween until my sister-in-law sent me this: 

I knew I wasn’t going to copy the idea on my grandchildren: I know better than to leave Kaz long enough to paint and stage the photo and at six-and-a-half, Izzy is unlikely to cooperate (plus I'd probably get arrested).  

Instead, I took them to the MacDonald’s Ranch Pumpkin Patch where Old MacDonald wanted entry fees of $10 for Izzy, $10 for me. There was no charge for Kaz.  Admission included a hayride and other perks, but I wasn’t about to stay longer than it took to pick out a couple of pumpkins.  I thought about sending Kaz in alone, but I opted to take the mile drive down the road to the Cactus Garden that rents out space to a pumpkin farmer every Halloween.  No admission fee.  No customers and pricey pumpkins based, of course, on size.  No good. 

Earlier reconnaisance at Home Depot led us back there and Izzy insisted we “buy a pumpkin here… I don’t want to go any other place.” 

Before I had a chance to help carve the critter, “Aunt” Dodo came to town and purchased carving tools and a battery-operated light. I decided to take it inside at night with almost two weeks left until October 31. When I picked it up and the bottom fell out, I dumped it before the critters came around for a midnight snack.  

Last Saturday Izzy went to a pre-Halloween party and brought home a pumpkin she had carved. Well done, except one of the several teeth she carved fell out.

She said she was going to put the tooth under her pillow. I said I don’t think the Tooth Fairy shows up for pumpkins, but maybe on Halloween. Who knows?

I bought Kaz his own little pumpkin which he will most certainly mistake for a ball and throw it to (at) me.

Happy Halloween!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Semantics of Political and Anatomical Incorrectness

... it was a really slow news day ...

"There's no comity with Harry Reid ... I think he's an absolute asshole." - Senator Tom Coburn (R-Oklahoma)

I had to look up "comity" (I first thought someone misspelled comedy - although I've always found Harry Reid rather amusing).  Comity means social harmony, courtesy, considerate behavior toward others and, the principle by which the courts of one jurisdiction may accede or give effect to the laws or decisions of another.  

I'm uncertain which definition Senator Coburn had in mind, considering he was responding to a question about "civility in the Senate" during a NY Young Republican fundraiser.  Maybe he did mean comedy.

What I found interesting about the ridiculous amount of press given Coburn's comment is the expletive policies of different internet news outlets.  Some won't print the word asshole.  They replace it with a**hole or a$$hole.  Apparently those alterations are sufficient camouflage to protect readers' delicate sensibilities.

George Carlin said, "shoot is shit with two Os."  

And asshole is asshole no matter which characters replace ss.  Deal with it.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Flawgging Miz Spellrz and Miz Speekrz (Miss Mannerz is a FLAWG for another day)

I lerned gramer too diferent waze. Propper and often purpposely impropper. As a professionel writer, propper gramer wasent all ways as importent as makking my pointe moor afective. Some times propper gramer was trumpped by emphesis, makking my pointe moor pourful. I wasent a bad speler. I hardley ever maid a misteak in a speling bea becawse I didnt want to come off as stuped. But latly I have bin apawled at the bad exampel peepel on TV and radeo have been scruing up the English langwidge. Im particularley consurned abowt Me, myself and I. If it were up to myself, I wood reqwer a corse for all peepel who sett an exampel for yew and I when using the werds me, myself and I.

Resentley wen I saw that Beyonce Knowles, won of my favoritz, had writen a song titeled, "Me, Myself & I," I thot may bee sum buddy with much moor clowt then me wood have moor impakt on yung peepel then me. So I fownd hur lericks.

The song starts out something like
he done me wrong, I was such a sucker, blah blah blah
and then the refrain:

Cuz I realized I got
Me, myself and I
That's all I got in the end
That's what I found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend

For myself, I hope this helpz you.
The last werd on me, myself and I
an how too spel uze the write werd coming soon to this FLAWG.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

I'm HAPPY to write this ...

In the 1960’s my mother was vice president of a national organization and attending a meeting of delegates from the 50 states. The delegate from California stood up and announced California was the most populous state in America. A woman at the other end of the long narrow conference table stood up and in angry voice shouted, “I beg your pardon, but TEXAS is the most popular state!"

While traversing the internet lately, in search of unusual city names, I ran into Happy, Texas. 

I'm happy to tell you they have Happy High School Cowboys.  I am elated to relay I found the Happy Cemetery (not something you run across everyday), and I'm damned near delirious to divulge the discovery of a Happy State Bank, Happy Toy Maker, Happy News (Paper) and Happy Volunteer Fire Department. 

There isn't a Happy Historical Association.  The state's association is in Denton, Texas - but their website does give a Happy mention.

There is one registered sex offender in Happy, but there are no lawyers (Happy obviously has standards).

I’m Happy to provide you with this information and to share with you the motto:

Just don't stay too long ... Happy is only 500 miles from (to?) Looneyville, Texas.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Washington 4-Skins

Last week I wrote that I was sick and tired of the constant bad news about the Shutdown and suggested that the media shut up about it until the Feds shut down the Shutdown. A reader wrote back suggesting I tackle the subject of the Washington Redskins moniker.

You want me to open a can of worms?” I asked.
He responded, “YES!!! Take a stand, you coward.”

So today comes this email from dear good friend, Larry Crevin:

BSports Bulletin:

Because the media has requested that the NFL disassociate itself from native American names, the Washington Redskins have announced that they will change their name to the Washington Foreskins in honor of all the dickheads in Washington, DC.

Hmmm.  The sponsorship (Trojan Stadium) and merchandising and promotional possibilities are endless.  Plus, all the current Redskins chatter already contains a lot of penis-related invective.  

“It’s time for a change,” I wrote. “How many times have you seen a pro sports team solve a problem by changing its name or mascot? They don't. They fire the coach.”

Last week when I wrote this FLOG the Washington Whatevers were 1 and 3 on the season. Now they’re 1 and 4. So like raising the Debt Ceiling, for this season call them the Washington 1&4Skins and get on with it. We can deal with it next year. We have bigger name problems in the other Washington.

Remember former Speaker of the House of Reprehensibles, Tip O’Neill, when the House was still alive? Tip said, “ALL POLITICS IS LOCAL.”

On June 24, 2012, despite strong opposition from some local residents in Port Townsend, WA, about two hours by ferry and car from Seattle, the Board of PTHS voted unanimously to drop the High School’s mascot after nearly 90 years. Guess what the name was (is)? REDSKINS. The School Superintendent said the community will be part of the process in choosing a new name and mascot. I called and found out that the committee will chose a new name in time for next season.

Read more:

But we have even bigger problems at Washington State University in Pullman, a 4 hour and 37 minute drive east from Seattle (named after Indian Chief Sealth). From 1910 to 1919 they were called Indians (same name Stanford had from 1930 to 1972, when political correctness dictated dropping it for The Stanford Cardinal).

In 1919, WSU adopted the name Cougars and still has it. Remember when a Cougar used to be a large wild cat? No more! Now, a Cougar is an older woman seeking a sexual relationship with a younger man. I wonder what the logo on the helmet would be.

While they’re at it, they should update the Cougar mascot’s name … Butch!!!

Enuf said!!!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Observations from Down Under on the Shutdown Blunder

G'day Mates!

I thought I should shut up about the Shutdown.  For many years, people have said, “You never shut up.” 

I plead guilty.  I used to say God gave us two eyes, two ears and one mouth and we should use them in approximately that proportion.  I said it - just didn't apply it. So why start now? As long as the Radical Wrong R’s don’t shut down the Internet, I think I’ll carry on until somebody shuts down the Shutdown.

Mean Eileen, Editing Queen suggested a more balanced attack. “Yes, Fox is a departure from CNN and MSNBC...and reality, but what is the press saying elsewhere? What would Julian Assange and Rupert Murdoch say?

So I zeroed in on The Sydney Morning Herald and found this wonderful illustration by Simon Letch. Funny thing, right above it was a banner ad for prostate cancer research…Groundbreaking Protocol in Atlanta. Survival Data on Over 14,000 Men! 

Of course I assumed that illustration had something to do with Prostate Cancer in America. But the copy didn’t confirm my assumption;

Contrary to obvious appearances, the Republicans in Congress who this week forced the US government into a coma are not insane. That doesn't mean this wasn't an insane result. It was, on almost every level. That includes the level of pure politics, with polling showing predictably that Americans see no need for this mess, and even Republicans acknowledging the electorate will blame them, not President Barack Obama.

They know this because that's what happened the last time they tried this in 1995, handing a struggling Bill Clinton a political gift he took to a landslide victory in 1996. The Republicans are not merely holding a gun to the nation's head, they're holding one to their own.

I won't rehash the entire article ... you can view it yourself at if you are interested. 

Suffice it to say the mess in DC has intelligent folk even on other continents wondering WTF, mates?

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Even Poli-sicker than Yesterday


I've heard enough from the Polisickies on Breaking News today, and decided to change the F-word... FLOG... to CLOG until they shut up and shut down the shutdown.  Or slim-down, if you get your "news" from those humorists at Fox.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Beware of Congressional Kool-Aid

Yesterday’s FLOG was to be my last one. Early in the day with the Breaking News that the federal government was going to shut down at midnight (EST), that was 9 PM my time, I received word from Julian Assange informing me that he had received a call from Ed Snowden telling him that one of his impeccable sources … a Tea Party congressman … had told him that the R’s were going to pull a remarkable decoy that would put the shutup on the US government shutdown. They were going to close down the Internet.
You can clearly see that Wikileaks does. I thanked Julian and posted my “Last Flog.” I thought that would make a lot of people happy.
Apparently the Tea Party had spiked its punch and decided to leak the Internet Shutdown to Snowden, knowing he’s the chief writer for Wikileaks.
So don’t believe everything Snowden says or Wiki leaks.
Staying up late last night was a little dull. Isn’t it amazing that the first US Government shutdown in 17-years, the Grand Opening of retail outlets by the Affordable Care Act (ACA) and the premier of Hostages  on CBS were all up against the US House of Representatives on CNN? I watched CNN until I had to shut it down. When I got up this morning nothing had changed and the Internet was still on. 

So this may be my final FLOG. Goodbye.