Thursday, March 14, 2013

Habemus Papam Franciscum! The Cardinals have a Quarterback!

In December, I suggested if the Arizona Cardinals fire Ken Whisenhunt, they should replace him with the 85 year old Pope.
Pope Benedict XVI, who was obviously too pooped to Pope and too old to want a multi-year contract.  I reasoned that nobody could handle a bunch of over-paid under-inspired Cardinals as well as the Pope. So 25 days after Super Bowl XLVII, Benedict XVI shocks the world announcing he is leaving, the first Pope to resign in 600 years. The late night TV guys insist the former Pope was fired (but by whom?).  On 3/13/13 (a palindromic number, nothing to do with Sarah Palin drone), a 60 to 1 shot in Las Vegas, Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio is named Pope and immediately takes a name you can remember:  Francis I.
1 day later a headline reads: Pope Will Meet With All the Cardinals on Friday.  
Now my readers know I am clairvoyant.  It wasn’t just a guess. Why would an 85-year-old want to "pope" 1.2 billion people rocked by scandal and losing membership, when he could coach in the NFL (where less than a billion people have been rocked by scandal)?
During the season just ended, the Cardinals won their first four games, then tanked. After XXVback Kevin Kolb was injured, the experts said the Cardinals didn’t have a quarterback. Now they have too many. Kolb, Drew Stanton, Brian Hoyer, Ryan Lindley and John Skelton.  They also have a new coach in Bruce Arians and a new offense named the vertical offense.  The rumor is the Cardinals will probably send Kevin Kolb somewhere and add another quarterback in the draft. But let’s leave that up to the Papal.

So what is Francis I going to say to all the Cardinals on Friday?
“Let us pray!”  And drill. A lot.

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