Thursday, January 3, 2013

My 2013 Year in Review - In Advance

My Version of "I Dreamed A Dream"       


I woke up January 1, 2013 and found myself on the ground in a mysterious paradise, maybe the Garden of Eden. The last thing I could remember was watching the ball fall in Times Square at 9 PM Mountain Standard Time, followed by shocking but obvious breaking news. The greatest country in the world was going over the Fiscal Cliff which I had learned from Ben Bernanke last July was in the Grand Canyon in Arizona. I thanked Ben and promised to keep it to myself. I had camped out for the first time in 50 years near the top of the FC.

Never having used my Golden Parachute which I put away in 1989 in the event I would ever need it, I followed the directions on a private website carefully, put it on, jumped off the Fiscal Cliff, counted to ten and pulled the rip chord.  I landed softly in the most magnificent garden I had ever seen. The lights went on in a home nearby and a man came running to see if I was okay. He introduced himself as Cliff Dweller. I apologized for waking him. He said “no problem, we were just drinking and talking about the remarkable life we’ve lived here before we all move out tomorrow.” He said they had expected me and thousands of taxpaying Americans to come over the cliff and invade there tranquil secret paradise.

There was no government in Fiscal Cliff, no taxes, no traffic, no guns, no cell phones, no computers, no stress, no problems. But the residents had all agreed to leave together rather than live like Americans. They were abandoning their magnificent homes and since I was first to arrive Dweller would be happy to turn over to me the title to his palace, complete with a virgin goldmine, titanium mine and oil field. I asked if he had a value on his properties. He looked at his watch and said “it’s sixteen trillion and change as we speak.” And he produced what he said will be the winning number in the world’s first trillion dollar lottery which will take place in Dubai in February. He assured me that I would be the only winner. (I planned to resign from the A A of P (American Association of Procrastinators, but I decided to leave that for February).


I won the Lottery, which I thought was enough to live on comfortably in Fiscal Cliff and sent Barack my check in the amount of $17 trillion to pay off the debt with his promise that I would remain anonymous, and would be considered a posthumous American and removed from all records, including those of the Internal Revenue Service.   February was such a short month, I just couldn't find the time to resign from the AA of P.


Due to my secret influence, Congress was shut down for five years, the laws were suspended and the Commission on  a new and improved America began immediately on the extreme makeover. I still didn’t get around to resigning from the A A of P (American Association of Procrastinators).


Due to my tax deductible contribution of $17 trillion and the demise of Congress, President Obama announced that there would be “No Old Taxes” in 2013.

On April 13th  , I secretly attended the BLOOP event in Iowa City, IA. I became interested in this organization because one of my heroes, Mark Twain, from whom I borrowed the pseudonym, Samuel Clements, is Patron Saint of the group. The group has two mottoes: In front of every silver lining there is a dark cloud and the other line always moves faster.

BLOOP is a tongue-in-cheek organization of pessimists, founded in 1975 to counteract the insidious spread of optimist’s clubs. It publishes the semiannual BLOOP Newsletter and convenes annually on the Saturday closest to the April 15 IRS tax-filing deadline and the sinking of the Titanic. According to the Royal Order, the date is “always tentative to allow for missed plane connections and other natural disasters.” The “lowlight” of the evening is the awarding of a trophy resembling the shape of a horse’s rear end to the Pessimist of the Year. I couldn’t think of a better time to go. I was informed, “Hey, why bother to join. We’re all going to die anyway.” I resigned from the A A of P (American Association of Procrastinators).  Hah!  April Fools!


I attended two very important Birthday parties. April 18 was the one year old birthday of Kazuki Lynn Stern, my super sweet grandson who was the great gift of 2012 and two days later, Izzy Thu Thi Stern, my beautiful, smart granddaughter who turned 6.  Alien space crafts hovering above our home distracted me from resigning from the A A of P (American Association of Procrastinators).


The FLOG got picked up for sindication by Murdock. I found myself on the cover of the National Enquirer in a photograph depicting me and Kanye West in a fist-fight over paternity of Kim Kardashian's baby.  I've never met Kim (or Kanye) so I assume this all had something to do with those alien space crafts.  The American Association of Procrastinators sent me an email.  It was a 2011 Thanksgiving greeting.
Curiously, this was the month that retailers decided to really get a jump on winter holiday sales and declared June 28th the new Black Friday.  It worked out well for the A A of P members who were just about ready to shop for last December's festivities.


Forget about the 4th of July. I’m glad I remembered July 2.

It’s I Forgot Day. Really. Only nobody ever remembers I Forgot Day. So, just what are you forgetting? Can you even remember? Some days are days to remember and to cherish all of our lives. Others, like July 2 are ones to be forgotten. If you are having a bad day, it's just as well that 7/02 is I Forgot Day. Some people view this day as an opportunity to express their regrets for forgetting something, and to make amends. They do so by sending cards and flowers, apologizing for their memory lapse. The trouble is, if you forget something important tomorrow, you have to wait a whole year for the next I Forgot Day to arrive. 
I forgot to resign from the A A of P (American Association of Procrastinators)

I Forgot Day is closely related to I'm Sorry Day. I’m sorry I forgot. I think it was May 26. It was in 2011.


MY UNAUTHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY by the FACE FORMERLY KNOWN AS HAPPY has finally been published. HF began outlining the book under a different title in 1989 after which it (The Happy Face) became the subject of, although not involved in, a lawsuit brought by Smiley Licensing Corp. against WalMart. WalMart countered by making application to the United States Patent and Trademark Office for ownership of The Happy Face trademark. On the advice of its attorney, HF decided to put its autobiography on the back burner awaiting what could be an eternity in the courts. After the US PTO said no to both parties, it went to a Federal Appellate Court in Chicago which took two years to decide in 2011 to leave the Happy Face in the Public’s Domain. During all of those years so many things happened in the “life” of The Happy Face that it virtually started over, deleting, updating or adding to many of the 2,558 pages on its computer, which included four manuscripts of varying lengths.
I was prepared to submit my resignation from the A A of P, but Mean Eileen pointed out that I shouldn't until I was certain they all had purchased a copy of my book (she sent a copy out to their entire email base eight months ago).

Following the fight that broke out over at the National Rifle Association Convention in Montana that left thousands bruised and bloodied (they were wielding tree branches with spiky knots), President Obama signed an ordinance outlawing trees.  Which left me too busy capitalizing on Trees Don't Beat People, The NRA Beats People bumper stickers to attempt to resign from anything. 

Thursday, October 31 was named an official holiday in America and expanded to include Friday, November 1; Saturday, November 2 and Sunday, November 3. As part of the new Antiobesity laws called for by First Lady Michelle Obama, only healthy, low calorie, sugar-free vegetables will be handed out to children.  For the first time, rafts are being built to take people to Cuba.   I was going to submit my resignation from the A A of P, but I couldn't leave the table until I finished my broccoli.  Like that was gonna happen.

The new Federal Election Commission Law, passed just before the FEC was dissolved the same date Congress was put on the back burner for five years, had its first test. Called “UP or DOWN”, it was tested to determine whether American citizens wanted to give President Obama another year as their leader. Obama got 64% UP. The law stipulated that no campaigning or money could be spent on the UP or DOWN vote, which attracted 96% of registered voters. Florida was not included for obvious reasons. 
Despite the abundance of side-dishes made from leftover Halloween vegetables, I enjoyed a fabulous Turkey-day Dinner.  Afterward, I went to my desk, did not turn on the TV or radio, and resolutely began drafting my resignation to the A A of P.   I was so comfortably full, I just had to lay my head down...just for a minute...
When I awoke, my neck and back were so stiff all I could do for the next week was go to the chiropractor and then lay on the couch and monitor football games.


The Committee to Revive American Politics (or CRAP as it's known by taxpayers) held its first meeting and established a six-month schedule to put the new form of Government to a vote. The party system will be abolished.  Something else incredibly exciting, phenomenal and wonderful happened but I'll write about it later.... you know, after I get my resignation from the American Association of Procras....

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